Day 65

Ok, journal. I have an idea. Hear me out here.

Drugs.

I think the answer might be drugs.

From what I’ve been feeling, and from what I’ve heard, we’re all feeling slow. We’re getting pessimistic. We’re tired. We’re nervous.

If I remember correctly from my D.A.R.E. classes, that stuff is what drugs are made for. Think about it. There have never been fewer cars on the road. Nancy Reagan’s been gone for a long time. We could hardly make civic life more nuts than it is already. It might be time for drugs to get their day in the sun.

Now, I know some of you are way ahead of me on that one. It’s not for nothing that Oregon’s pot shops have been operating as essential businesses. And I know a lot of people have made mimosas a regular part of a balanced breakfast. I think we can branch out a bit from there.

The hard part is going to be figuring out whether to go for uppers or downers. We could pour in some of both, but that’s only going to make us more addled than we already are. What we should do is agree on a schedule, so we can all be on the same wavelength each day.

Here’s the new drill:

Mondays: Coffee and Adderall. Best to get the week started on the right foot. We’ll thank ourselves later for the work we get done today.

Tuesday: Cocaine. Because we didn’t get that much done on Monday.

Wednesday: L.S.D. We’ll ride over the hump on an alabaster tortoise.

Thursday: Peyote. To take care of Wednesday’s unfinished business.

Friday: Rum and muscle relaxants. Good job everybody! You made it to Friday.

Saturday: Ketamine. Time for that weekly Hangout with your husband’s hockey friends. Better get your smile on!

Sunday: Two Tylenol and a bath. Get yourself in a good place, because Monday’s coming.